Caitlyn 3: The Search

Caitlyn told herself she went out into the woods to try to find a new wand, but she knew a part of her just liked to spite Mom. Mom wanted her to wear dresses all the time and she, being a former boy (the former still stung to admit), refused. At least it would all be fixed soon.

Much as Caitlyn hated to admit it, there were some nice things about being the only girl. She no longer had to worry about a brother stealing her favorite shirt, they were forbidden from barging into her room, and she could not deny that it was kind of nice being mom's obvious favorite. All the same, she still refused to believe she was getting used to being a girl, Bryan's words from that car ride to grandma's echoing in her head. There was still plenty she would never get used to, like mom insisting on picking out the absolute worst outfits for her.

"You're still young enough that I can choose some of your clothes." Mom would say, showing her yet another hideous dress. Caitlyn sighed. As far as mom was concerned, it was not enough that she was a girl. It had to be shoved in everyone's faces with dress after dress and, more often than not, a bow or something in her hair.

More than anything, Caitlyn wanted to become Michael again. Day after day, she marched through the woods, hunting for another wand, undeterred by mom forcing her into the tub every time she came back with even a slightly muddy dress. Her brothers could be muddy all day long; she was kept squeaky clean.

"Honestly, you're as bad as the boys." Mom said every time she ran a bath, oblivious to the fact that Caitlyn had been a boy for most of her life.


"How can you even tell if it's a magic wand?" She muttered, tossing another stick away. At least that was satisfying, even if she was annoyed James refused to help. The way he saw it, she was perfect the way she was. Why had he thrown away... "Wait... Why don't I try to find the wand James threw in the lake?" She dashed back home excitedly, convinced this was the best idea.

Her enthusiasm only increased when she managed to evade mom all the way back to her room. Even the still fresh shock of seeing her room with its purple bedspread and closet full of dresses did little to dampen her excitement. It would all be back to normal soon. She would find the wand and turn herself back into Michael.

“No more dresses, no more pink, no more being a girl!” She said to herself. She tugged open the drawer that had held her swim trunks last time she had checked and her face fell. No. There was no way she was wearing that. “Do I skinny dip?” She muttered, but immediately dismissed the thought. If either mom or dad caught her swimming naked, they would ground her for a year! Good luck finding a magic wand when you can’t leave the house! There was only one thing to do.

She had teased James and Bryce about their pink luau print trunks just a few weeks ago, but now, she knew there were far worse pink things someone could wear. Plus, much as she hated to admit it, the fact that they were pink would help her avoid suspicion from mom. She swapped out her white shorts for the pink trunks, figuring her flamingo t-shirt went well enough with it. Was that a girl thought, she wondered in alarm. No, it was just practical. She was avoiding mom, after all. She did not see anything wrong with borrowing Bryce’s swimsuit. Mom would probably make her wear a dress though as penance or whatever. She sighed and flipped her hair over her shoulder. That wasn’t a girly move, was it? She left her reflection behind rather than think too much about it.

Mom was still nowhere to be found as Caitlyn snuck out toward the back. She could hear her brothers half arguing, half playing a game in the living room. Hopefully they would not see her wearing, she was pretty sure they were Bryce’s, trunks. They’d probably tattle. Little brothers, she thought, rolling her eyes.

Suddenly nervous, she rushed outside and toward the lake, shedding her shirt at the shore. She took a deep breath. Was she hesitating just because the lake was always cold when you first jumped in or was it because she knew Mom would probably throw a fit about her being topless outside?

“I’ll be a boy again as soon as I find that wand.” She muttered through teeth gritted in determination. Mom could not punish someone who did not exist, could she? She jumped into the lake.

Caitlyn had always been a strong swimmer and that seemed to hold true in her new life. Sure, the photo of her epic cannonball now featured her in a white and yellow floral swimsuit, but the sentiment remained the same. It gave her some small comfort that she was still the same person, just a girl now. She had still played peewee soccer, even though the photos all showed a smiling little girl with a missing tooth and pigtails.

Caitlyn searched the bottom of the lake, finding countless sticks that sent her heart racing, but none of them were like the wand James had tossed in. She sighed. If James and Bryce would just help! Maybe she could make it a game.

She emerged from the water, tossing her shirt over her shoulder and marching inside. She took care to at least half dry her feet on the welcome mat before going into the living room.

“Hey, let’s see who can” her brothers’ faces made her pause. “What?”

“You’re not wearing a shirt.”

“So?”

“So, you’re a girl.” Bryce said. Caitlyn rolled her eyes.

“Shuddup.”

“Girls are supposed to wear shirts.”

“Says who?”

“Everyone.” Caitlyn growled.

“You two are useless.” She turned around and saw Dad standing there.

“Caitlyn.” She was in no mood to get a lecture from her former namesake. She stormed up to her room and tried to think of a new plan. Once Mom heard about her swimming misadventure, Caitlyn found herself confined to her room for the apparent crime of having an attitude with Dad. She knew the truth; Mom was upset she had dressed like a boy and not worn one of her frou-frou swimsuits.


The next morning, Caitlyn came downstairs for breakfast. She still did not like her brothers seeing her in mermaid pajamas, but she was too hungry to care today.

"What's so funny?" She asked as she saw them giggling and whispering.

"Don't tell her. it'll be a surprise."

"What?"

"C'mon, Bryce. Let me tell her." Bryce sighed.

"Fine."

"Bryce overheard mom tell dad" James giggled. "That she's gonna buy you" Another fit of giggles long enough that Caitlyn rolled her eyes.

"What?" Bryce leaned forward and whispered something, but James was giggling too much for Caitlyn to catch it. "What?"

"Shuddup, James." Bryce punched his brother in the arm. "Mom's gonna take you to be a" he dropped to a whisper again. "A bra." Caitlyn felt her face pale.

"She is not. No way. I don't even have" her hands moved up to her chest, but she quickly pulled them away before she could feel. No. There was no way. When did girls get boobs? She realized she did not really know, but none of the girls in her class had... wore... did they? How would she know? She did her best to hide her annoyance at this latest obstacle until after James and Bryce left to go over to a friend’s. Caitlyn had been avoiding her friends, so she declined to go with. Besides, she needed to talk to Mom.

“Mom! You can’t!”

“It’s a part of growing up. You’re becoming a young woman.”

“But… I’m still a kid.”

“Yes, but” she paused. She had gone over this conversation again and again ever since Michael had told her what he had seen, but it was tough to actually bring it up. “You’re starting to blossom. There.” She nodded to her daughter’s chest. “Your brother might not notice, but your father and I do, so it’s”

“But mom!”

“Let me finish. You’re going to start noticing your shirt rubbing your chest more and more as they become sensitive.” She almost laughed at Caitlyn’s face. “This is uncomfortable for both of us.” Yeah, Caitlyn thought. I’m a former boy growing boobs and you’re just my mom. “But you’re going to want a bit more cover there, especially if you’re going out for soccer this fall.” Caitlyn nodded. Mom had brought up extracurriculars for school and as soon as she floated dance and gymnastics, Caitlyn had put her foot down and said soccer. Dresses were bad enough. There was no way on earth she was letting her brothers see her in a leotard or even a frigging tutu!

“But I don’t need a” she forced the word out. “Bra.”

“You will soon. Lots of girls your age” Caitlyn felt tears welling up.

"This... This is a punishment, isn't it?" Mom rarely ever was surprised by what her kids said, but this? This was a definite surprise.

"No! What? Of course not. This is a wonderful thing. You're growing up into a young lady!" Caitlyn still seemed horribly distressed, so she hugged her. "Listen, maybe we could" What was she saying? No, this was her chance to lose a battle, but get a step closer to winning the war. And it was really just kicking the can down the road. Caitlyn, like it or not, would be wearing her training bra on the first day of school.

At first, James and Bryce snickered about their new sister wearing dresses and skirts for a full seven days, but once she proved she could still beat them at soccer in a dress – not even a sundress, but a full-blown frilly one – they stopped laughing. At least, about that. She refused to admit it to anyone but herself, but dresses weren’t the worst thing in the world. Sure, her pajamas were off-limits since they all had pants, but she simply slept in her underwear, although she always took care to wear a nightgown until mom said good night after mom yelled at her about that. She threw on a dress before breakfast and counted down the days until she could go back to shorts, not that wearing a dress stopped her from tromping through the woods in search of a magic wand. School was coming and there was no way she was going to school as a girl!

The approaching school year hung in the air more and more with every passing day, which only increased Caitlyn’s desperation. James and Bryce still refused to help. In fact, James found it much more fun to antagonize his former big brother.

“Look, you still have the first day of school photos!” Every year, mom took a photo of them holding a sign with facts about them ranging from favorite food to future career, sporting their first day of school outfit. Caitlyn did not even want to look at what she had worn. This year, she would be a boy again by school. “Kindergarten, it says you want to be a fairy princess when you grow up!” He grinned. “The next year, you said mommy and baker. Caitlyn the mommy!” Caitlyn was beginning to seethe. “Oh, and last year you said supermodel pilot, whatever that means.”

“I did say I wanted to be a pilot last year.”

“Supermodel pilot.” James showed her the photo. She looked away before her girly outfit from a year ago sunk in.

“I meant as… never mind.” She stormed outside, determined that today would be the day to find the wand.

Every passing day seemed to bring something new, but Caitlyn was starting to accept her role in life. It was almost funny how much softer Dad’s voice was when he talked to her versus James and Bryce and sure, she wore panties now, but underwear was underwear and she found herself preferring hers to the gross underwear her brothers wore. Had she really thought blue camo briefs were cool, she wondered one morning as she dressed for the day. Even the dreaded training bras, when they inevitably arrived in her drawer, turned out not to be the end of the world. Thinking practically, she realized it made more sense to wear them quietly without a fuss rather than running the risk of her brothers learning she was wearing bras. Still, the straps felt weird and it took days before she did not feel like she had enormous mountains on her chest. She eyed her mom over breakfast on day three of her bra wearing and wondered if that was her future. She shuddered at the thought and continued her search through the woods, bra and all.

“Caitlyn! Out of bed!” Her mom said, pounding on the door far more loudly than anyone ever should. She got yelled at for closing her door slightly harder than she should, but mom could pound on it with what sounded like a sledgehammer. “It’s almost time for school.”

“Shi” Caitlyn muttered, pulling off her Little Mermaid pajamas and getting dressed. Mom insisted that she wear a dress for her first day and Caitlyn knew she had no choice, but she still eyed the hoodie she had stolen from James and Bryce’s room. “Tomorrow.” She said, dutifully pulling on her yellow sundress. “If she really wanted us to match, I wouldn’t be in a dress.” She muttered to her reflection. So much of her face was still Michael’s, but that was undeniably Caitlyn standing there with sleep still in her eyes. “I’m really doing this, really going to school as a girl.”

There was one final gambit and she almost felt sick enough for it to work as she saw her brothers in their shorts and yellow t-shirts to match her dress.

“A whole school year as a girl.” Bryce whispered to her as they piled into the car for the drive.

“If you guys had helped me!”

“Why would we want to?” Bryce asked with a shrug. “You’re gonna look great once mom forces you to take ballet!”

“She’s not going to.” Caitlyn said. “I’m still doing soccer.” Their school’s soccer team was mixed gender, so Caitlyn would even get to play with her old teammates. Her stomach twisted as she wondered just what friend group she was part of now. “Mom, can I please stay”

“It’s the first day of school.” Mom said. “But, if you’re still feeling sick at lunch, go to the nurse, kay?” Caitlyn nodded glumly. “And all three of you keep your masks on all day, understand?

“Yes, mom.” They chorused.

“Good! Now, everyone out so we can take your picture in front of the school!”

“Why?” Caitlyn groaned and refused to smile as they stood in front of the school. No one else had to do this, year after year. Unfortunately for her, her upset face only made the photo all the better. Like it or not, Caitlyn really was off to her first day of school as a girl.