Bobby Buddy: Playdate
Bobby fumed as he sat on the floor of the living room, though it was hard to tell if he was more upset about his impending playdate or the fact that Rob had refused to let him get dressed before breakfast, so he was sitting on the floor in his nightie and diaper. Worse, it was the yellow girls’ nightgown Grace had brought over.
“You didn't turn into a girl wearing it all night. A little while longer won't hurt.” Rob had said. He was quickly learning that, no matter how weird what he said sounded, Rob was almost always right.
“Breakfast is ready.” Rob announced.
“Good. I want this thing off.” Bobby said, hoping Rob would see reason.
”It looks cute on you. Four year olds can get away with things like this that big boys can't.” Bobby stayed silent. “Lots of little boys wear dresses and stuff for playtime.”
“I don't” Bobby tried to think of a way to stop Rob from getting him some without sounding like he was forgetting his place. “I like wearing my nightie and diaper for playtime.”
“That's true. We don't need to dirty more clothes for the little time you get between school and bed. Speaking of, arms up, arms up!” Bobby raised his arms, glad the nightie was finally coming off. Rob sniffed it as soon as it was off the much smaller boy.
“No.” Bobby mumbled, barely audible even to him.
“I think it's still clean enough for another night.” Rob decreed. ‘Another night’ of course meant wearing it from afternoon playtime all the way until breakfast the next morning, more than half the day! “What do we need to do before breakfast, Bobby?”
“Wash my hands.”
“How do you want to get to the bathroom? Fly like an airplane? Walk like a Bobbysaurus?” He knew what was coming. “Don't care.” He said in perfect unison with Bobby. “Alright, Captain Crankypants, how about.. March like you're in a parade!”
“What? No!”
“Are you saying no because it's dangerous?”
“Rob, come on.”
“Are you saying no because it's impossible?”
“Rob!”
“You're saying no because you don't want to.” Rob said. “And that's not an acceptable time to say no. Up on your feet and let's go.” Seeing that Bobby was in no rush, Rob pulled him to his feet and gave his bottom a few firm swats. He liked the way it sounded on the papery plastic of his Buzz Lightyear Pull-ups. “Get your knees up nice and high with every march, Bobby.”
Bobby began to march along, hoping that he could go straight to the bathroom. Yesterday, Rob had flown him like an airplane around the table three times before finally taking him into the bathroom to wash up. He groaned loudly in irritation as Rob tapped his shoulder to signal he had to march around the table instead of going toward the bathroom.
“Wave to the people watching the parade!” Bobby obeyed. “And keep getting your knees up. March, march, march!”
“Aren't we done yet?”
“You've only gone 'round three times. Are you three?” He nodded approvingly as Bobby marched around the table one more time. He loved how his Pull-ups moved with him. Not for the first time, Rob pondered Bobby having Pull-ups only time every day, though having him in a nightie so early in the afternoon still felt more like driving home his status. “One, two, three, four! Bobby's four!” Rob declared, guiding Bobby until he was marching towards the bathroom. “Keep those knees up!”
“When am I gonna stop being four?” Bobby muttered to himself, worried that his cooperation had basically sealed his fate. He had asked Rob a few times for confirmation that he would be at least turning five at his next birthday, but Rob would only ever look him over and remark that he still looked four to him.
“You did such a good job, marching and keeping your diaper dry.” Rob praised. “Do you need to go potty or are we just washing up?”
“Just washing up.” Bobby said. Rob looked as if he might disagree, but nodded.
“Alright. You must be hungry, huh?” Bobby remained silent. “What do we wash before we eat?”
“Before you sit down to eat, wash your face, hands, and feet.” Bobby said dutifully. He was beginning to realize he was actually starving. All he could do, however, was sit there as Rob cleaned him up. He tried to think of it as having a servant, but that was tough to do when you were wearing nothing but Buzz Lightyear pull-ups.
“All nice and clean, from head to toe.” Rob declared, picking Bobby up and taking him to the table for breakfast.
Breakfast, like every meal, involved a bib and Bobby in his booster seat. Rob sat close by, watching quietly as Bobby ate more than he had in a long time! Was he about to hit a growth spurt? Rob had his doubts.
“Hungry little Bobby.” He said, wiping his face with the bib. “You must be storing up a lot of energy for your playdate, huh?”
“I really don't want to go.”
“We've been looking forward to this and Grace says Markus has too!”
“He's a bully.”
“He's bigger than you, which means he's in charge.”
“But…”
“If he seems like a bully, I want you to ask yourself: am I listening like I should? Do I really need to tattle to Rob about this? What can I do to be a better friend to Markus?”
“Seriously?”
“Five year olds can be bossy, just like four year olds can be whiny and stubborn.” Bobby sighed, but knew there was no point trying to argue. Maybe if he got really hurt, Rob would realize what a horrible little brat Markus was. Bobby hoped it wouldn't come to that.
With breakfast done, Rob pulled Bobby off of the booster seat, holding him for an extra moment before setting him down on the floor.
“How ‘bout this?” He said gently. “If Markus tries to leave the yard or makes you do anything dangerous, then you can come tell your Rob.”
“Or if he hurts me?”
“That's dangerous. Anything that might hurt you or him.” Bobby couldn't help but feel relieved that there were at least some rules. “But,” Rob added. “Remember about the Bobby who cried wolf.” It was another time that Bobby couldn't be sure if he had said Bobby or baby. There was a difference! “But we need to get you dressed, don't we?” Rob knelt and pulled Bobby over to him, running a finger down each side of his Pull-ups. “Bobby Barebutt, only four, leaves his diaper on the floor.” He said with a grin, stopping Bobby from picking it up. “Bobby, can you be a big boy four year old and grab your diaper for me?”
“Yes.”
“Are you annoyed because you know you're four and you don't need me to remind you?”
“Yes, Rob. I'm four.” Bobby muttered.
“That's right.” Rob said gently. “Even at school, even though you play pretend, your age doesn't change. You're still four.” If only that meant I could not do my homework, Bobby thought. “If it were up to me, I'd get you into preschool.” Rob said, as if reading Bobby's mind.
Discarded Pull-ups in hand, Bobby ascended the stairs with Rob right behind. He rolled his eyes as Rob applauded him throwing it in the bathroom trash. This was such a waste, though he didn't like the idea of having to use them.
“For undies,” Rob said. ‘We can do Thomas” he held up a pair of briefs with Thomas and James smiling on the butt “or these stripes” the pair with horizontal stripes in red, green, and yellow looked undeniably better. Bobby still remembered Markus exposing his Spider-Man undies to the whole mall, so he pointed at the striped pair. “Sounds good.” Rob tossed them to Bobby and then turned back to the dresser to grab the rest of his clothes, hoping Bobby would be in too much of a hurry to no longer be naked to notice that he had just chosen potty training underwear.
“We don't wanna be late”
“You just want to kiss Grace.” Bobby retorted.
“And you want to play with Markus, I know. He has a playground in the backyard!’
“Joy.” Bobby muttered.
“So instead of having you pick your whole outfit, you can pick the color: red, yellow, or green?”
“Green.” He said at once. Rob produced a lime green t-shirt and for a brief second, Bobby was worried it was his shirt with a T Rex that declared ‘I'm four-ocious’. He was only slightly mollified when he saw the yellow monster truck and ‘Let's Roll!’ on it instead.
“Arms up.” Rob said. Bobby obeyed. Rob first attacked his underarms with baby powder scented deodorant and then pulled the shirt down over his head. Next came a pair of lime green shorts with only one pocket, which Rob felt only added to Bobby's toddler-like appearance. When it came to school clothes, Bobby at least looked passably school-aged. For this playdate, he looked every bit like he was four. That suited Rob just fine. Overcome, he pulled Bobby into a tight embrace. “Four! Four! Bobby's four!” He chanted as Bobby squirmed.
Through sheer serendipity, Rob had come across a video of a little boy, in nothing but undies, banging on a pot with a wooden spoon as he chanted it over and over. Bobby had negotiated Rob down to having him march around, chanting it in his nightie.
A chirp from Rob's phone brought an end to Bobby's torment. He looked at his phone with that little smile on his lips that Bobby knew meant it was a text from Grace.
“She's cancelling?” Bobby asked. Maybe Markus got the chicken pox or whatever disease little bully five year olds got.
“Wondering where we are, actually.” Rob said. “Shoes on!”
Only Rob put shoes on, sliding his feet into his worn sneakers before smacking his knees.
“Can you find your shoes for me, Bobby?”
“Aren't they still in the bag?”
“The Bobby Bag? You might be right. Can you bring that to me, please?”
“It's too heavy.” Rob chuckled.
“That's right. Four year olds can’t pick up the Bobby Bag, can they?” He walked over and lifted it with one hand, unzipping it and nodding as he spied Bobby's clogs. “Perfect. No point taking them out. We're walking to Grace's and I think I can carry you a few blocks.”
“C'mon, Rob.”
“And it'll go quicker. We're late, late, late!” Rob picked up Bobby and smiled at him, holding him high in the air over his head as if to make it clear to him how tiny and light he really was. “Can you say late, late, late?”
“Late, late, late.” Bobby mumbled, knowing it was easier to just give in. Maybe good behavior would get him out of the playdate. No, he knew Rob's mind saw the playdate as a positive thing, maybe even a reward. Why couldn't he understand that Markus was a bully? He had pantsed him in the middle of the mall! Maybe you shouldn't bring that up so much, he told himself. It's embarrassing to be bullied by a little kid. Basically everything about his life was embarrassing now.
Bobby thought about pointing out that they weren't at home, so he shouldn't be four anymore as Rob carried him down the sidewalk. Instead, he remained silent, resting his hands on Rob's shoulders and looking over his shoulder to see where they were going.
“Oh, we should send Grace a selfie to let her know we're on the way!” Rob declared as they waited to cross the street.
“She probably knows.”
“We can't assume.” Rob already had his phone out and was trying to figure out how to keep holding Bobby while getting both of them in frame.
Thinking quickly, Bobby realized that he could look sick and then, maybe, Grace would tell them not to come. It might even make Rob look bad. Two birds with one stone, Bobby thought, trying to look like he did that time he ate a whole bag of marshmallows and then threw up.
“No silly faces.” Rob said. “Smile nicely.”
“You know I'm not going to-” Bobby wasn't even sure how he managed to, but Rob tickled his side. Bobby bucked into Rob's chest in surprise and, to his even greater surprise, a downright babyish giggle burst out of him.
“Oh, perfect!” Rob exclaimed, immediately sending the photo of Bobby's toddler grin. “I knew you would get excited once we got close to Markus's.”
“I'm not excited.” Bobby hoped his earnest tone would finally get through to Rob. At the same time, he still wondered why he kept wanting Rob to intervene. Markus was a little kid. He could – and would – handle a little kid. Surely that would prove to Rob that he wasn't…
He couldn't even finish the thought before Rob pulled him back to reality again.
“As soon as we get there, I want you to thank Markus for inviting you over to play.” He didn't, Bobby thought, but he knew that that didn't matter.
“Ok.”
“If you do it nicely, I'll even let you feed yourself for lunch.” This got Bobby's attention. Rob didn't negotiate. “Does that sound good, baby?”
“Yes. Not a baby.” He couldn't be sure if he had said Bobby or baby. They sounded so similar! Rob began to bounce him in his arms, as if to drive home just how light he was.
“Bouncy Bobby, bouncy Bobby!” He said. “Does that feel silly? Do you feel your Pull-ups on your bumbum when I do that?”
“No.”
“Exactly. Cuz you're not wearing Pull-ups. Because you're how old?”
“Four.”
“Yep.” Rob said. “So if you need to go potty, you shouldn't go in your pants, should you?”
“No.”
“What should you do?”
“Tell you.”
“Yep! Stop playing and tell me. Or Grace. Or even Markus. He's almost six, so I think he's big enough to take you potty.”
“This isn't fair!” Bobby whined. “You, Grace, everyone knows I'm older than he is! Markus is a little kid and a bully and I shouldn't have to act like he's bigger than me. Cuz he's not!”
“Bobby, I thought you understood.” Rob said gently. “You're wearing Markus's old clothes. These are things he's too big for. These are the clothes he wore when he was four like you are now.”
“That can't be right.”
“Do you really think Grace was bringing us things that are too big for Markus? Those wouldn't ever fit you!” It had to be a trick, Bobby thought as Rob carried him right through the gate to Grace's backyard.
As Rob and Grace greeted each other, Bobby realized in that moment that he wished Rob had let him at least walk back here. Instead, Markus saw him being carried by Rob and he knew it did nothing to dissuade the bully from his belief that Bobby was little more than a baby.
“Bobby's been looking forward to this.” Looking forward to leaving, Bobby thought. Rob set him down. “Remember, Bobby?” He swatted Bobby's bottom to get him to walk over to Markus.
“Thank you for inviting me to play.” Bobby muttered, half-heartedly opening his arms to hug Markus. It was some relief to feel Rob and Grace watching them. Markus wouldn't try anything with that much attention, would he?
Markus seemed taken aback by the offered hug. He glanced at Grace and then opened his arms, the two boys hugging awkwardly.
"Thank you for inviting me." Bobby mumbled, unsure if he had said it already or not.
"Alright, Markus, how about you teach Bobby the game you were playing?" Markus nodded and awkwardly took Bobby's hand.
"C'mon, Bobby." He said, pulling him over to the plastic playground, designed to look like half wood, half stone. Bobby looked over his shoulder. Rob smiled and waved at him. "So, basically, I've got a hula hoop up on the top, see?" There was an orange hula hoop lying on the platform at the top of the slide.
"Yeah."
"And the point of the game is to roll that blue ball up the green slide and get it to land in the orange hoop. Without bouncing out."
"So it's gotta stop."
"Yeah." Markus nodded.
"What about throwing it up and over?"
"It'd bounce out!" Markus said at once.
"Bet it wouldn't."
"Would too."
"How 'bout it's ten points if you do that, one point if you do it the way you say?" Markus considered it.
"Yeah, I guess." He eyed Bobby as if thinking about something. "Wanna go first?"
"Sure." Bobby picked the ball up and, though he was confident he could get it over and keep it in the hoop, he rolled it up the slide. The ball hit the far wall and rolled away. Markus immediately ran to grab the ball.
"Watch." He waited to make sure Bobby would watch and then expertly rolled it. "See? Easy."
"You've done it a lot more than once." Bobby observed.
"Go grab the ball." Markus said. Bobby did so and then quickly rolled the ball up the slide, getting it to stay in the hoop this time. He smirked at Markus, who grabbed the ball.
Back and forth they went. Bobby tried to keep score, but it was undeniable: Markus was a lot better at this than he was. He knew it was because he had probably practiced a lot, but Bobby could not deny his competitive nature. There was only one solution.
"My turn." He grabbed the ball and tossed it up. It landed in the hoop, but quickly bounced out.
"Markus!" Grace said, looking over immediately.
"Wasn't me!"
"But I told you, you need to keep Bobby away from the mud by the shed. If the ball's bouncing all over the place, that's risky."
"How about you go down the slide, Bobby?" Rob added.
"I don't want to."
"It's not scary." Markus said. "I've had this playground since I was three." His mind made up, he grabbed Bobby's hand. "Go on. Down the slide."
"Why?"
"Cuz it's fun and not scary." Markus replied as if that was reason enough. He held onto Bobby's hand and looked at it, placing it against his own. “Baby Bobby's baby hand.” Bobby jerked his hand away and Markus laughed. “The slide's honestly not scary. I promise.”
"I know it's not scary, but it's also not fun." He muttered as he climbed up onto the playground. The top of the slide was barely even chest level on him.
"Sit on your butt."
"Good job, Markus." Grace called, both Rob and her watching. "You're doing so good with Bobby." Bobby rolled his eyes and uneventfully slid down the slide. Why did he need everyone watching him?
"My baby cousin went down it a whole bunch when he was here." Markus said to Bobby, too quietly for Grace and Rob to hear. "Wanna go down it in just your diaper like Karsen does?" Bobby glared at him.
"I don't wear diapers."
"Do too. My sister told me so. And you smell like a diaper baby."
"Do not."
"Well, show me." He lunged for Bobby's shorts and Bobby dodged. Not this again! As Markus tried again, Bobby did what he wished he had done at the mall. "Ow!" Markus wailed. "Bobby hit me!" Bobby immediately regretted it as his feet left the ground. Rob had come over so fast, and now he was carrying him over to the patio where he and Grace had been sitting.
"Bobby!" He said, swatting his bottom three times in rapid succession. "That's a no!"
"But"
"No buts." Rob said. "Feeling big feelings is never an excuse to hurt someone."
"Rob." He winced as it came out of his mouth more like Wob. It would be just his luck if the lisp that had plagued him all the way to third grade came back.
"Bobby, hush." He sat Bobby down at a faded plastic picnic table. "You're going to have five minutes" the fingers hovered right in front of his face. "Of quiet time. Grace, can you grab Bobby a book from my bag?" Grace happily did so. "You can look at your book or watch the clouds, but no talking and no moving from this spot for five minutes, okay?" Bobby grunted. "That's four year old for yes." Rob told Grace, who nodded.
"Sometimes, it's six year old too." Bobby glared at the pair of them as Rob set the timer on his phone.
"And Markus, no bothering Bobby." Good, Bobby thought. "He'll say sorry once he's done with his quiet time." Grace walked closer to her brother and, though she dropped her voice a bit, everyone in the backyard heard every word. "You remember how frustrated Karsen got when things didn't go his way? Bobby's still a lot like him. He's little." Bobby fumed.
"It didn't hurt."
"I'm sure it just caught you by surprise. Bobby's still learning to use his words."
"Ugh." Bobby muttered.
The timer must have been set for longer than five minutes because Markus was able to get back to playing his game with the ball long before Bobby was finally allowed to get up. Even then, his true punishment was yet to come as Rob carried him over to Markus and made him apologize.
"I'm sorry for hitting you."
"What d'you say, Markus?" Rob asked.
"Thank you."
"Now, you two play nicely. It'll be lunchtime really soon." With that, Rob returned to the patio.
"Did you get your diaper changed?"
"You saw me the whole time."
"So you're still stinky." Bobby could tell he was trying to antagonize him, clearly having caught on that, in the eyes of Rob and Grace, he was always right and Bobby was always wrong.
"Can I play with the ball?"
"It's not for babies. Grace said so."
"That's not what she said." Bobby retorted, but he knew fighting was a bad idea. "What can we play then? We're supposed to play together." Markus thought for a moment.
"You can go down the slide again."
"It's a tiny slide." Bobby said. Markus had to think so too.
"It's a baby slide." Markus said. Bobby knew where he was going with that, so he improvised the only way he knew how.
"Tag! You're it!" He touched Markus, taking care to make it obviously not a hit, and took off running. Markus gave chase.
Bobby led Markus all over the yard, thrilled to realize that he was faster than Markus. I am older, Bobby reminded himself, though he couldn't be sure which one of them had longer legs. Markus was wearing blue camo shorts that were clearly longer than Bobby's lime green shorts, so that might have fooled his mind into thinking Markus's legs were shorter. He's five! Not six, like Grace and Rob keep saying.
"Ugh!" Markus exclaimed as Bobby dodged his hand. Bobby laughed and put on an extra burst of speed. All at once, Markus grabbed his wrist. How had he caught him so fast? "No!" Markus swatted Bobby's bottom. "We need to stay away from the mud, baby." He swatted Bobby's bottom again. Bobby was so startled, he was frozen for a moment.
"Ow!" He bellowed melodramatically. "Markus hit me!" He was screaming loudly enough, the whole neighborhood had to know. He smirked as Rob and Grace came over.
"What is going on here?"
"Bobby was-"
"Markus was-"
"One at a time." Rob said. "Bobby, why are you screaming?"
"Markus hit me." He said, suddenly wishing he hadn't said anything. "Twice." He added sheepishly. So much for proving I'm too old for all this.
"Markus?"
"He was being naughty. He almost went into the mud. So, I told him no like Uncle Rob does." Grace had to cover her mouth to hide her laugh.
"He's got you there."
"Well," Rob looked as sheepish as Bobby felt. "Let's hold off on giving Bobby bumbum swats, kay? If he's being bad, the responsible thing to do is tell us. It's not tattling."
"I got in trouble!"
"And so did Markus." Rob said. "You both know that it's not nice to hit, right?" Markus also looked as if this was a great injustice, but they both nodded. "Alright, Markus, can you nicely take Bobby inside and help him wash up for lunch?"
To Bobby's relief and embarrassment, Grace ended up leaning on the doorframe, supervising as her little brother helped her classmate wash his face and hands.
"Anyone need to go potty?" Grace asked.
"Is your diaper dry?" Markus asked Bobby.
"Markus, he's not exactly like Karsen!" Grace said with another laugh she barely covered with her hand.
She led them back out to the patio where plates waited on the plastic picnic table.
"I remembered my promise, Bobby." Rob said. "You'll feed yourself." As Markus sat down, Rob slipped his hands under Bobby's arms and lifted him up, threading his legs between the table and the bench. Bobby looked down at the plates. Markus had a hot dog in a bun, potato chips, and a glass of juice. Bobby's hot dog was cut up, bunfree, and his juice was in a sippy cup. Markus clearly also noticed.
"Does Bobby wear a bib?" He asked in a tone that he must have thought was innocent curiosity, but sounded every bit to Bobby like he was reminding the grown-ups.
"Bobby's gonna show us he doesn't need one." Rob explained. Markus scoffed.
"He's a baby." Bobby bit back the reflexive 'nuh-uh', knowing the slightest step out of line might get him fed by Rob.
"Let's eat so you two can get back to your game." Grace suggested.
"You've been playing so nicely." Rob said. Bobby rolled his eyes as he began to eat slices of hot dog with his fingers. This was crazy and everyone was acting like it was normal. He couldn't really blame Markus. He was five and little kids did whatever adults told them. Rob and Grace are not adults, he corrected himself a moment later.
"Are there any napkins?" He asked over his shoulder.
"Getting messy?"
"I'm eating ketchup-covered hot dog with my fingers. No one can do that without getting me- it on their hands."
"And your shirt." Rob said. Bobby looked down.
"Barely."
"It's still noticeable." Rob remarked, lifting Bobby's chin so he met his gaze. "Promise to try harder?"
"Yeah."
"Good Bobby."
"See?" Markus said once Rob was back over with Grace. "He called you baby."
"He said Bobby."
"Nuh-uh." Even if he didn't, Bobby thought. It's better for him to say it than Markus. "Bet he'll change your diaper after lunch. You're so stinky!"
"I am not."
"Bobby's stinky!" Markus yelled.
"Yelling means we're done eating?" Grace said, her tone making it clear this was something Markus heard often. She looked at Bobby, smiling sweetly even after he looked away, embarrassed. They were classmates! "How about you, Bobby? All done?"
"I guess."
"You ate a lot. Lots of fuel for more playing!"
"Seriously?"
"That's how food works." She said, tousling his hair. "But that shirt doesn't look like it can take much more."
"Huh?"
"Here." She began to pull it up his torso. "It's hot, so you can be shirtless, right? Rob, do you have any sunscreen for Bobby?"
"Oh, I don't think so." Rob said. "It's ok for a little while, right?"
"You be sure to whine a whole bunch when you're red as a tomato, Bobby, okay?" She stuck her tongue out at Rob. "I'll refill your juices and leave them right here if you two get thirsty, okie dokie?"
"Sure." Markus answered for both of them.
"What are we gonna play now?" Bobby asked, reluctantly following Markus. At least with his shirt off, Markus could see there was not a diaper poking out of his shorts.
"The ball's an orb of power."
"An orb of power?"
"Yes, ba- Bobby." His grin told Bobby he was planning something.
"And?"
"We gotta keep the bad guys from getting it." Markus said, walking over to the ball.
"That doesn't sound that fun." Bobby said, following him. How much longer until they got to go home? He was almost wishing Rob would make him take a nap instead of this.
"If you don't wanna play, you can sit on the playground with the scary slide like the baby you are."
"Markus, I am not a baby." It was startling how quickly Markus turned and pushed Bobby down. "Ow!" Markus yanked down his shorts, nearly pulling off his underwear too. "See?"
"A diaper." Markus said with a triumphant laugh.
"What? No it isn't. It's underwear." Striped briefs were more mature than the Spider-Man ones he had exposed last time. Markus was clearly crazy.
"Nuh-uh. That's a diaper. I remember wearing stuff like that when I was still potty training. Diaper!" All at once, Bobby remembered Rob mentioning Markus's handmedowns. Was he wearing Markus's potty training underwear? Impossible, right? That had to be way too small.
"Give me my shorts back."
"Nope. You're staying in just your diaper so it's easier to change you, baby stinkbutt."
"Markus. Now." He hoped he sounded more authoritative than he felt as he got to his feet. Markus smirked and waved his shorts over his head before breaking into a fullbore run. Bobby gave chase, wondering if he should have gone to Rob in the same moment as he figured that Rob would notice him running around the yard in just underwear. He hoped Markus would turn so he could check on Rob and Grace, but Markus was running as fast as he could in a straight line, straight for the mud!
Markus skidded to a stop, but it was too late. Bobby collided with him and they both fell, Markus landing in the mud and Bobby on top of him.
"Markus! Bobby!" Grace and Rob raced over to see two boy-shaped mud monsters wrestling.
"Bobby!" Bobby let go of Markus's hair and rolled over to look up at Grace and Rob.
"I'll get the hose." Grace said.
"I don't want to hear a word from either of you." Rob said firmly. "Out of the mud and march up to the hose. We'll rinse you off there and then it'll be into the tub."
"But" Rob couldn't even be certain whether that came from Bobby or Markus.
"No more talking."
Markus and Bobby didn't say anything, but they howled as the ice cold water of the hose washed over them.
"Markus, strip to your undies like Bobby." Rob directed as Grace went inside to start the bath.
"Diaper." Markus mumbled so only Bobby could hear as he stripped to racecar boxer briefs.
"Alright, boys." Rob said, finally setting the hose aside. "Inside and you're both into the tub."
"Who's first?" Bobby asked.
"No talking." Rob said before answering. "The tub is big enough for two little boys."
"Thank you." Grace said, kissing Rob's cheek as he shepherded the pair into the bathroom.
"Someone had to take charge."
"This isn't fair." Bobby mumbled. He was the same age as Grace and Rob, but they were acting like adults while was a little boy in trouble. The door clicked shut behind Rob.
"Markus, go ahead and get in the tub. Bobby, come here so I can help you with your undies." He patted Bobby's shoulder. "I know you don't need help with your undies, but remember, it's not safe to climb over the side of the tub, is it?" Bobby shook his head. Rob pulled down his undies and then lifted him up to carry him over to the tub, giving Markus a full view of a naked Bobby coming into the warm, sudsy water across from him. "Can you give me that other washcloth, Markus, so I can get Bobby clean?"
Bobby tried to ignore Markus, but it was obvious he was only partly focused on washing himself and much more concerned with watching Rob thoroughly scrub Bobby, even having him stand up to wash between his legs.
"Grace filled this a bit more than we're used to, huh?" Rob murmured to Bobby. Bobby closed his eyes, trying to will this all to be over. He wanted to be back home, back in his own room, even if it meant wearing a diaper and a girly nightie and being read a baby book.Why was that his idea of safe and sound now though? Rob had completely changed everything. He was the same age as Rob and Grace, but now he was being bathed with Grace's horrible little brother who thought he was bigger than Bobby and it was... it was...
"Bwaaaaa!" Bobby bawled, starting to sob and hyperventilate as everything became too much all at once. Markus splashed, startled, and even Rob seemed taken aback.
"Oh, Bobby." He said, prudently draping a towel over his shoulder before pulling the sobbing boy to his chest. "It's been a busy day, hasn't it?"
"That's- that's not it." Bobby panted, unable to even to see Rob clearly through eyes full of tears. He tried to take a deep breath, to calm down and explain, but he only felt overwhelmed again and began to sob all the harder.
"Ok, ok." Rob said, getting to his feet and carrying Bobby out of the bathroom. "You're clean, so why don't we" he stopped talking, letting Bobby cry it all out as he retrieved his bag.
"Hey, Grace. Is there a place I can put Bobby for an N-A-P?"
"Bwaaaa!" Bobby wailed. Why did Rob think spelling it would do anything? "I! Am! Not!" he tried to say between sobs strong enough to make even his legs tremble. "Notta! Baby!"
"I know, I know." Rob murmured, carrying Bobby down a hall. "Here, let's get you dry and in your diaper so Grace doesn't have to see your bare little bumbum again, hmm?"
"I wanna go home, Rob." Bobby mumbled, finally feeling like he was calming down. Rob looked at him curiously.
"Say that again."
"I wanna go home, Rob."
"Huh."
"What?"
"Step into your diaper, Bobby." Bobby nearly lost it again when Markus picked the exact moment Rob pulled it up to wake in wearing a blue camo robe that almost matched his shorts from earlier.
"What are you doing in here?" Bobby looked around and realized they were in a bedroom that could only be Markus's.
"Bobby's gonna use your room for a nap, okay?" Markus looked at Bobby's blue and white Pull-ups.
"That's fine." He said, smiling at Bobby. "Glad you're out of that stinky diaper." He went over to his dresser and grabbed some clothes before leaving again.
"Was that a game you two were playing?"
"No! He's being mean."
"He's just got an active imagination." Bobby huffed. Of course Rob didn't believe him. "And someone's overtired. Arms up for your nightie."
"I don't want a nightie."
"You can't sleep in just your diaper, Bobby. And see? It has stars and planets. You wanted to be an astronaut when we were in kindergarten."
"That was so long ago." Bobby said. "And I thought I was four." Rob seemed to pause as if there was something he wanted to say, but he instead threaded Bobby's arms and head through the nightgown. The slightly frilled sleeves made him smile.
"All set to dream of space!" He said, lifting Bobby up and carrying him over to Markus's bed. "Now I know it's hard to sleep in an unfamiliar place, but I want you to close your eyes and breathe nice and slow, like a big Bobbysaurus!"
There is no way I can fall asleep. Bobby thought, but he still tried to take slow, deep breaths. Rob began to gently rub his back. He began to feel sleep coming just as surely as he could feel the puffy Pull-ups between his legs and against his bottom. He yawned and tried to open his eyes, but it was already too late.
Click. Click. What was that clicking sound and who had turned on that fan that was blowing against him? Bobby opened his eyes to investigate, snapping awake as he watched the sidewalk whiz by between his bare feet. This was too real to be a dream, but what was going on?
Bobby looked around, getting his bearings. He was in a stroller, click-clacking down the sidewalk. Worse, he was still wearing the space nightie.
"Rob? Rob!" He said, slamming a fist against the canopy overhead for good measure.
"I almost got you home." Rob said with a laugh, pulling back the canopy and playfully patting the top of Bobby's head.
"Grace's family had the old stroller out because of Karsen and turns out, it's just as handy to transport a napping little three year old home."
"But... I... you could've woken me up! I'm in my diaper and nightie!"
"Uh-huh, and that means you can play all the way up until bedtime now, right?"
"But"
"No point arguing, Bobby." Rob said as they reached Bobby's house. "Let's get you unbuckled. Is your diaper still dry?" Rob lifted Bobby's nightie and patted the front of his Pull-ups. "Guess our first stop is the potty, huh?"
"I'm not three."
"What?" Rob lifted Bobby up to his shoulder.
"You called me a napping three year old."
"You're such a good listener, Bobby." Rob said, carrying him inside. "But the thing is,"
"What?"
"You are three, bud."
"I'm not three!" Rob chuckled.
"Bobby, be reasonable."
"No, you be reasonable, Rob!" He blushed.
"You've been lisping all day, Bobby." Rob said gently.
"But that doesn't make me..." he had to focus to get 'three' out instead of 'fwee'.
"You're right. All the Wobs and fwees are adorable." Bobby fumed. "But when you look at Markus, who's"
"Five."
"Exactly. He's five and he's so big, so mature."
"Well, he is almost six."
"He is." Rob agreed with a chuckle. "But still, you're hardly only a year or so behind him."
"I'm older than him!"
"Bobby, you were listening so good a minute ago. Listen and I'll help you understand."
"I don't want to understand." Rob chuckled.
"My little threenager." He sat down on the couch and hugged Bobby to him. "Markus came in and got his clothes. He tried his best to keep you clean, he showed concern about you. He's becoming such a nice young man."
"He's a bully!"
"Bobby." He swatted his bottom. "You make a mess when you try to feed yourself, you need help getting dressed, taking a bath, you still need naps."
"You make me! You make me do all of that!"
"I do those things because you need them. Because you're three."
"I'm not! You can't do this!" Bobby wailed. Rob hugged him and let him cry.
"I'm not doing anything. We're figuring out what's best for you. You got so stressed out being a big boy and I think we finally understand why. You're not big, you're a little boy. You're three years old."
“You didn't turn into a girl wearing it all night. A little while longer won't hurt.” Rob had said. He was quickly learning that, no matter how weird what he said sounded, Rob was almost always right.
“Breakfast is ready.” Rob announced.
“Good. I want this thing off.” Bobby said, hoping Rob would see reason.
”It looks cute on you. Four year olds can get away with things like this that big boys can't.” Bobby stayed silent. “Lots of little boys wear dresses and stuff for playtime.”
“I don't” Bobby tried to think of a way to stop Rob from getting him some without sounding like he was forgetting his place. “I like wearing my nightie and diaper for playtime.”
“That's true. We don't need to dirty more clothes for the little time you get between school and bed. Speaking of, arms up, arms up!” Bobby raised his arms, glad the nightie was finally coming off. Rob sniffed it as soon as it was off the much smaller boy.
“No.” Bobby mumbled, barely audible even to him.
“I think it's still clean enough for another night.” Rob decreed. ‘Another night’ of course meant wearing it from afternoon playtime all the way until breakfast the next morning, more than half the day! “What do we need to do before breakfast, Bobby?”
“Wash my hands.”
“How do you want to get to the bathroom? Fly like an airplane? Walk like a Bobbysaurus?” He knew what was coming. “Don't care.” He said in perfect unison with Bobby. “Alright, Captain Crankypants, how about.. March like you're in a parade!”
“What? No!”
“Are you saying no because it's dangerous?”
“Rob, come on.”
“Are you saying no because it's impossible?”
“Rob!”
“You're saying no because you don't want to.” Rob said. “And that's not an acceptable time to say no. Up on your feet and let's go.” Seeing that Bobby was in no rush, Rob pulled him to his feet and gave his bottom a few firm swats. He liked the way it sounded on the papery plastic of his Buzz Lightyear Pull-ups. “Get your knees up nice and high with every march, Bobby.”
Bobby began to march along, hoping that he could go straight to the bathroom. Yesterday, Rob had flown him like an airplane around the table three times before finally taking him into the bathroom to wash up. He groaned loudly in irritation as Rob tapped his shoulder to signal he had to march around the table instead of going toward the bathroom.
“Wave to the people watching the parade!” Bobby obeyed. “And keep getting your knees up. March, march, march!”
“Aren't we done yet?”
“You've only gone 'round three times. Are you three?” He nodded approvingly as Bobby marched around the table one more time. He loved how his Pull-ups moved with him. Not for the first time, Rob pondered Bobby having Pull-ups only time every day, though having him in a nightie so early in the afternoon still felt more like driving home his status. “One, two, three, four! Bobby's four!” Rob declared, guiding Bobby until he was marching towards the bathroom. “Keep those knees up!”
“When am I gonna stop being four?” Bobby muttered to himself, worried that his cooperation had basically sealed his fate. He had asked Rob a few times for confirmation that he would be at least turning five at his next birthday, but Rob would only ever look him over and remark that he still looked four to him.
“You did such a good job, marching and keeping your diaper dry.” Rob praised. “Do you need to go potty or are we just washing up?”
“Just washing up.” Bobby said. Rob looked as if he might disagree, but nodded.
“Alright. You must be hungry, huh?” Bobby remained silent. “What do we wash before we eat?”
“Before you sit down to eat, wash your face, hands, and feet.” Bobby said dutifully. He was beginning to realize he was actually starving. All he could do, however, was sit there as Rob cleaned him up. He tried to think of it as having a servant, but that was tough to do when you were wearing nothing but Buzz Lightyear pull-ups.
“All nice and clean, from head to toe.” Rob declared, picking Bobby up and taking him to the table for breakfast.
Breakfast, like every meal, involved a bib and Bobby in his booster seat. Rob sat close by, watching quietly as Bobby ate more than he had in a long time! Was he about to hit a growth spurt? Rob had his doubts.
“Hungry little Bobby.” He said, wiping his face with the bib. “You must be storing up a lot of energy for your playdate, huh?”
“I really don't want to go.”
“We've been looking forward to this and Grace says Markus has too!”
“He's a bully.”
“He's bigger than you, which means he's in charge.”
“But…”
“If he seems like a bully, I want you to ask yourself: am I listening like I should? Do I really need to tattle to Rob about this? What can I do to be a better friend to Markus?”
“Seriously?”
“Five year olds can be bossy, just like four year olds can be whiny and stubborn.” Bobby sighed, but knew there was no point trying to argue. Maybe if he got really hurt, Rob would realize what a horrible little brat Markus was. Bobby hoped it wouldn't come to that.
With breakfast done, Rob pulled Bobby off of the booster seat, holding him for an extra moment before setting him down on the floor.
“How ‘bout this?” He said gently. “If Markus tries to leave the yard or makes you do anything dangerous, then you can come tell your Rob.”
“Or if he hurts me?”
“That's dangerous. Anything that might hurt you or him.” Bobby couldn't help but feel relieved that there were at least some rules. “But,” Rob added. “Remember about the Bobby who cried wolf.” It was another time that Bobby couldn't be sure if he had said Bobby or baby. There was a difference! “But we need to get you dressed, don't we?” Rob knelt and pulled Bobby over to him, running a finger down each side of his Pull-ups. “Bobby Barebutt, only four, leaves his diaper on the floor.” He said with a grin, stopping Bobby from picking it up. “Bobby, can you be a big boy four year old and grab your diaper for me?”
“Yes.”
“Are you annoyed because you know you're four and you don't need me to remind you?”
“Yes, Rob. I'm four.” Bobby muttered.
“That's right.” Rob said gently. “Even at school, even though you play pretend, your age doesn't change. You're still four.” If only that meant I could not do my homework, Bobby thought. “If it were up to me, I'd get you into preschool.” Rob said, as if reading Bobby's mind.
Discarded Pull-ups in hand, Bobby ascended the stairs with Rob right behind. He rolled his eyes as Rob applauded him throwing it in the bathroom trash. This was such a waste, though he didn't like the idea of having to use them.
“For undies,” Rob said. ‘We can do Thomas” he held up a pair of briefs with Thomas and James smiling on the butt “or these stripes” the pair with horizontal stripes in red, green, and yellow looked undeniably better. Bobby still remembered Markus exposing his Spider-Man undies to the whole mall, so he pointed at the striped pair. “Sounds good.” Rob tossed them to Bobby and then turned back to the dresser to grab the rest of his clothes, hoping Bobby would be in too much of a hurry to no longer be naked to notice that he had just chosen potty training underwear.
“We don't wanna be late”
“You just want to kiss Grace.” Bobby retorted.
“And you want to play with Markus, I know. He has a playground in the backyard!’
“Joy.” Bobby muttered.
“So instead of having you pick your whole outfit, you can pick the color: red, yellow, or green?”
“Green.” He said at once. Rob produced a lime green t-shirt and for a brief second, Bobby was worried it was his shirt with a T Rex that declared ‘I'm four-ocious’. He was only slightly mollified when he saw the yellow monster truck and ‘Let's Roll!’ on it instead.
“Arms up.” Rob said. Bobby obeyed. Rob first attacked his underarms with baby powder scented deodorant and then pulled the shirt down over his head. Next came a pair of lime green shorts with only one pocket, which Rob felt only added to Bobby's toddler-like appearance. When it came to school clothes, Bobby at least looked passably school-aged. For this playdate, he looked every bit like he was four. That suited Rob just fine. Overcome, he pulled Bobby into a tight embrace. “Four! Four! Bobby's four!” He chanted as Bobby squirmed.
Through sheer serendipity, Rob had come across a video of a little boy, in nothing but undies, banging on a pot with a wooden spoon as he chanted it over and over. Bobby had negotiated Rob down to having him march around, chanting it in his nightie.
A chirp from Rob's phone brought an end to Bobby's torment. He looked at his phone with that little smile on his lips that Bobby knew meant it was a text from Grace.
“She's cancelling?” Bobby asked. Maybe Markus got the chicken pox or whatever disease little bully five year olds got.
“Wondering where we are, actually.” Rob said. “Shoes on!”
Only Rob put shoes on, sliding his feet into his worn sneakers before smacking his knees.
“Can you find your shoes for me, Bobby?”
“Aren't they still in the bag?”
“The Bobby Bag? You might be right. Can you bring that to me, please?”
“It's too heavy.” Rob chuckled.
“That's right. Four year olds can’t pick up the Bobby Bag, can they?” He walked over and lifted it with one hand, unzipping it and nodding as he spied Bobby's clogs. “Perfect. No point taking them out. We're walking to Grace's and I think I can carry you a few blocks.”
“C'mon, Rob.”
“And it'll go quicker. We're late, late, late!” Rob picked up Bobby and smiled at him, holding him high in the air over his head as if to make it clear to him how tiny and light he really was. “Can you say late, late, late?”
“Late, late, late.” Bobby mumbled, knowing it was easier to just give in. Maybe good behavior would get him out of the playdate. No, he knew Rob's mind saw the playdate as a positive thing, maybe even a reward. Why couldn't he understand that Markus was a bully? He had pantsed him in the middle of the mall! Maybe you shouldn't bring that up so much, he told himself. It's embarrassing to be bullied by a little kid. Basically everything about his life was embarrassing now.
Bobby thought about pointing out that they weren't at home, so he shouldn't be four anymore as Rob carried him down the sidewalk. Instead, he remained silent, resting his hands on Rob's shoulders and looking over his shoulder to see where they were going.
“Oh, we should send Grace a selfie to let her know we're on the way!” Rob declared as they waited to cross the street.
“She probably knows.”
“We can't assume.” Rob already had his phone out and was trying to figure out how to keep holding Bobby while getting both of them in frame.
Thinking quickly, Bobby realized that he could look sick and then, maybe, Grace would tell them not to come. It might even make Rob look bad. Two birds with one stone, Bobby thought, trying to look like he did that time he ate a whole bag of marshmallows and then threw up.
“No silly faces.” Rob said. “Smile nicely.”
“You know I'm not going to-” Bobby wasn't even sure how he managed to, but Rob tickled his side. Bobby bucked into Rob's chest in surprise and, to his even greater surprise, a downright babyish giggle burst out of him.
“Oh, perfect!” Rob exclaimed, immediately sending the photo of Bobby's toddler grin. “I knew you would get excited once we got close to Markus's.”
“I'm not excited.” Bobby hoped his earnest tone would finally get through to Rob. At the same time, he still wondered why he kept wanting Rob to intervene. Markus was a little kid. He could – and would – handle a little kid. Surely that would prove to Rob that he wasn't…
He couldn't even finish the thought before Rob pulled him back to reality again.
“As soon as we get there, I want you to thank Markus for inviting you over to play.” He didn't, Bobby thought, but he knew that that didn't matter.
“Ok.”
“If you do it nicely, I'll even let you feed yourself for lunch.” This got Bobby's attention. Rob didn't negotiate. “Does that sound good, baby?”
“Yes. Not a baby.” He couldn't be sure if he had said Bobby or baby. They sounded so similar! Rob began to bounce him in his arms, as if to drive home just how light he was.
“Bouncy Bobby, bouncy Bobby!” He said. “Does that feel silly? Do you feel your Pull-ups on your bumbum when I do that?”
“No.”
“Exactly. Cuz you're not wearing Pull-ups. Because you're how old?”
“Four.”
“Yep.” Rob said. “So if you need to go potty, you shouldn't go in your pants, should you?”
“No.”
“What should you do?”
“Tell you.”
“Yep! Stop playing and tell me. Or Grace. Or even Markus. He's almost six, so I think he's big enough to take you potty.”
“This isn't fair!” Bobby whined. “You, Grace, everyone knows I'm older than he is! Markus is a little kid and a bully and I shouldn't have to act like he's bigger than me. Cuz he's not!”
“Bobby, I thought you understood.” Rob said gently. “You're wearing Markus's old clothes. These are things he's too big for. These are the clothes he wore when he was four like you are now.”
“That can't be right.”
“Do you really think Grace was bringing us things that are too big for Markus? Those wouldn't ever fit you!” It had to be a trick, Bobby thought as Rob carried him right through the gate to Grace's backyard.
As Rob and Grace greeted each other, Bobby realized in that moment that he wished Rob had let him at least walk back here. Instead, Markus saw him being carried by Rob and he knew it did nothing to dissuade the bully from his belief that Bobby was little more than a baby.
“Bobby's been looking forward to this.” Looking forward to leaving, Bobby thought. Rob set him down. “Remember, Bobby?” He swatted Bobby's bottom to get him to walk over to Markus.
“Thank you for inviting me to play.” Bobby muttered, half-heartedly opening his arms to hug Markus. It was some relief to feel Rob and Grace watching them. Markus wouldn't try anything with that much attention, would he?
Markus seemed taken aback by the offered hug. He glanced at Grace and then opened his arms, the two boys hugging awkwardly.
"Thank you for inviting me." Bobby mumbled, unsure if he had said it already or not.
"Alright, Markus, how about you teach Bobby the game you were playing?" Markus nodded and awkwardly took Bobby's hand.
"C'mon, Bobby." He said, pulling him over to the plastic playground, designed to look like half wood, half stone. Bobby looked over his shoulder. Rob smiled and waved at him. "So, basically, I've got a hula hoop up on the top, see?" There was an orange hula hoop lying on the platform at the top of the slide.
"Yeah."
"And the point of the game is to roll that blue ball up the green slide and get it to land in the orange hoop. Without bouncing out."
"So it's gotta stop."
"Yeah." Markus nodded.
"What about throwing it up and over?"
"It'd bounce out!" Markus said at once.
"Bet it wouldn't."
"Would too."
"How 'bout it's ten points if you do that, one point if you do it the way you say?" Markus considered it.
"Yeah, I guess." He eyed Bobby as if thinking about something. "Wanna go first?"
"Sure." Bobby picked the ball up and, though he was confident he could get it over and keep it in the hoop, he rolled it up the slide. The ball hit the far wall and rolled away. Markus immediately ran to grab the ball.
"Watch." He waited to make sure Bobby would watch and then expertly rolled it. "See? Easy."
"You've done it a lot more than once." Bobby observed.
"Go grab the ball." Markus said. Bobby did so and then quickly rolled the ball up the slide, getting it to stay in the hoop this time. He smirked at Markus, who grabbed the ball.
Back and forth they went. Bobby tried to keep score, but it was undeniable: Markus was a lot better at this than he was. He knew it was because he had probably practiced a lot, but Bobby could not deny his competitive nature. There was only one solution.
"My turn." He grabbed the ball and tossed it up. It landed in the hoop, but quickly bounced out.
"Markus!" Grace said, looking over immediately.
"Wasn't me!"
"But I told you, you need to keep Bobby away from the mud by the shed. If the ball's bouncing all over the place, that's risky."
"How about you go down the slide, Bobby?" Rob added.
"I don't want to."
"It's not scary." Markus said. "I've had this playground since I was three." His mind made up, he grabbed Bobby's hand. "Go on. Down the slide."
"Why?"
"Cuz it's fun and not scary." Markus replied as if that was reason enough. He held onto Bobby's hand and looked at it, placing it against his own. “Baby Bobby's baby hand.” Bobby jerked his hand away and Markus laughed. “The slide's honestly not scary. I promise.”
"I know it's not scary, but it's also not fun." He muttered as he climbed up onto the playground. The top of the slide was barely even chest level on him.
"Sit on your butt."
"Good job, Markus." Grace called, both Rob and her watching. "You're doing so good with Bobby." Bobby rolled his eyes and uneventfully slid down the slide. Why did he need everyone watching him?
"My baby cousin went down it a whole bunch when he was here." Markus said to Bobby, too quietly for Grace and Rob to hear. "Wanna go down it in just your diaper like Karsen does?" Bobby glared at him.
"I don't wear diapers."
"Do too. My sister told me so. And you smell like a diaper baby."
"Do not."
"Well, show me." He lunged for Bobby's shorts and Bobby dodged. Not this again! As Markus tried again, Bobby did what he wished he had done at the mall. "Ow!" Markus wailed. "Bobby hit me!" Bobby immediately regretted it as his feet left the ground. Rob had come over so fast, and now he was carrying him over to the patio where he and Grace had been sitting.
"Bobby!" He said, swatting his bottom three times in rapid succession. "That's a no!"
"But"
"No buts." Rob said. "Feeling big feelings is never an excuse to hurt someone."
"Rob." He winced as it came out of his mouth more like Wob. It would be just his luck if the lisp that had plagued him all the way to third grade came back.
"Bobby, hush." He sat Bobby down at a faded plastic picnic table. "You're going to have five minutes" the fingers hovered right in front of his face. "Of quiet time. Grace, can you grab Bobby a book from my bag?" Grace happily did so. "You can look at your book or watch the clouds, but no talking and no moving from this spot for five minutes, okay?" Bobby grunted. "That's four year old for yes." Rob told Grace, who nodded.
"Sometimes, it's six year old too." Bobby glared at the pair of them as Rob set the timer on his phone.
"And Markus, no bothering Bobby." Good, Bobby thought. "He'll say sorry once he's done with his quiet time." Grace walked closer to her brother and, though she dropped her voice a bit, everyone in the backyard heard every word. "You remember how frustrated Karsen got when things didn't go his way? Bobby's still a lot like him. He's little." Bobby fumed.
"It didn't hurt."
"I'm sure it just caught you by surprise. Bobby's still learning to use his words."
"Ugh." Bobby muttered.
The timer must have been set for longer than five minutes because Markus was able to get back to playing his game with the ball long before Bobby was finally allowed to get up. Even then, his true punishment was yet to come as Rob carried him over to Markus and made him apologize.
"I'm sorry for hitting you."
"What d'you say, Markus?" Rob asked.
"Thank you."
"Now, you two play nicely. It'll be lunchtime really soon." With that, Rob returned to the patio.
"Did you get your diaper changed?"
"You saw me the whole time."
"So you're still stinky." Bobby could tell he was trying to antagonize him, clearly having caught on that, in the eyes of Rob and Grace, he was always right and Bobby was always wrong.
"Can I play with the ball?"
"It's not for babies. Grace said so."
"That's not what she said." Bobby retorted, but he knew fighting was a bad idea. "What can we play then? We're supposed to play together." Markus thought for a moment.
"You can go down the slide again."
"It's a tiny slide." Bobby said. Markus had to think so too.
"It's a baby slide." Markus said. Bobby knew where he was going with that, so he improvised the only way he knew how.
"Tag! You're it!" He touched Markus, taking care to make it obviously not a hit, and took off running. Markus gave chase.
Bobby led Markus all over the yard, thrilled to realize that he was faster than Markus. I am older, Bobby reminded himself, though he couldn't be sure which one of them had longer legs. Markus was wearing blue camo shorts that were clearly longer than Bobby's lime green shorts, so that might have fooled his mind into thinking Markus's legs were shorter. He's five! Not six, like Grace and Rob keep saying.
"Ugh!" Markus exclaimed as Bobby dodged his hand. Bobby laughed and put on an extra burst of speed. All at once, Markus grabbed his wrist. How had he caught him so fast? "No!" Markus swatted Bobby's bottom. "We need to stay away from the mud, baby." He swatted Bobby's bottom again. Bobby was so startled, he was frozen for a moment.
"Ow!" He bellowed melodramatically. "Markus hit me!" He was screaming loudly enough, the whole neighborhood had to know. He smirked as Rob and Grace came over.
"What is going on here?"
"Bobby was-"
"Markus was-"
"One at a time." Rob said. "Bobby, why are you screaming?"
"Markus hit me." He said, suddenly wishing he hadn't said anything. "Twice." He added sheepishly. So much for proving I'm too old for all this.
"Markus?"
"He was being naughty. He almost went into the mud. So, I told him no like Uncle Rob does." Grace had to cover her mouth to hide her laugh.
"He's got you there."
"Well," Rob looked as sheepish as Bobby felt. "Let's hold off on giving Bobby bumbum swats, kay? If he's being bad, the responsible thing to do is tell us. It's not tattling."
"I got in trouble!"
"And so did Markus." Rob said. "You both know that it's not nice to hit, right?" Markus also looked as if this was a great injustice, but they both nodded. "Alright, Markus, can you nicely take Bobby inside and help him wash up for lunch?"
To Bobby's relief and embarrassment, Grace ended up leaning on the doorframe, supervising as her little brother helped her classmate wash his face and hands.
"Anyone need to go potty?" Grace asked.
"Is your diaper dry?" Markus asked Bobby.
"Markus, he's not exactly like Karsen!" Grace said with another laugh she barely covered with her hand.
She led them back out to the patio where plates waited on the plastic picnic table.
"I remembered my promise, Bobby." Rob said. "You'll feed yourself." As Markus sat down, Rob slipped his hands under Bobby's arms and lifted him up, threading his legs between the table and the bench. Bobby looked down at the plates. Markus had a hot dog in a bun, potato chips, and a glass of juice. Bobby's hot dog was cut up, bunfree, and his juice was in a sippy cup. Markus clearly also noticed.
"Does Bobby wear a bib?" He asked in a tone that he must have thought was innocent curiosity, but sounded every bit to Bobby like he was reminding the grown-ups.
"Bobby's gonna show us he doesn't need one." Rob explained. Markus scoffed.
"He's a baby." Bobby bit back the reflexive 'nuh-uh', knowing the slightest step out of line might get him fed by Rob.
"Let's eat so you two can get back to your game." Grace suggested.
"You've been playing so nicely." Rob said. Bobby rolled his eyes as he began to eat slices of hot dog with his fingers. This was crazy and everyone was acting like it was normal. He couldn't really blame Markus. He was five and little kids did whatever adults told them. Rob and Grace are not adults, he corrected himself a moment later.
"Are there any napkins?" He asked over his shoulder.
"Getting messy?"
"I'm eating ketchup-covered hot dog with my fingers. No one can do that without getting me- it on their hands."
"And your shirt." Rob said. Bobby looked down.
"Barely."
"It's still noticeable." Rob remarked, lifting Bobby's chin so he met his gaze. "Promise to try harder?"
"Yeah."
"Good Bobby."
"See?" Markus said once Rob was back over with Grace. "He called you baby."
"He said Bobby."
"Nuh-uh." Even if he didn't, Bobby thought. It's better for him to say it than Markus. "Bet he'll change your diaper after lunch. You're so stinky!"
"I am not."
"Bobby's stinky!" Markus yelled.
"Yelling means we're done eating?" Grace said, her tone making it clear this was something Markus heard often. She looked at Bobby, smiling sweetly even after he looked away, embarrassed. They were classmates! "How about you, Bobby? All done?"
"I guess."
"You ate a lot. Lots of fuel for more playing!"
"Seriously?"
"That's how food works." She said, tousling his hair. "But that shirt doesn't look like it can take much more."
"Huh?"
"Here." She began to pull it up his torso. "It's hot, so you can be shirtless, right? Rob, do you have any sunscreen for Bobby?"
"Oh, I don't think so." Rob said. "It's ok for a little while, right?"
"You be sure to whine a whole bunch when you're red as a tomato, Bobby, okay?" She stuck her tongue out at Rob. "I'll refill your juices and leave them right here if you two get thirsty, okie dokie?"
"Sure." Markus answered for both of them.
"What are we gonna play now?" Bobby asked, reluctantly following Markus. At least with his shirt off, Markus could see there was not a diaper poking out of his shorts.
"The ball's an orb of power."
"An orb of power?"
"Yes, ba- Bobby." His grin told Bobby he was planning something.
"And?"
"We gotta keep the bad guys from getting it." Markus said, walking over to the ball.
"That doesn't sound that fun." Bobby said, following him. How much longer until they got to go home? He was almost wishing Rob would make him take a nap instead of this.
"If you don't wanna play, you can sit on the playground with the scary slide like the baby you are."
"Markus, I am not a baby." It was startling how quickly Markus turned and pushed Bobby down. "Ow!" Markus yanked down his shorts, nearly pulling off his underwear too. "See?"
"A diaper." Markus said with a triumphant laugh.
"What? No it isn't. It's underwear." Striped briefs were more mature than the Spider-Man ones he had exposed last time. Markus was clearly crazy.
"Nuh-uh. That's a diaper. I remember wearing stuff like that when I was still potty training. Diaper!" All at once, Bobby remembered Rob mentioning Markus's handmedowns. Was he wearing Markus's potty training underwear? Impossible, right? That had to be way too small.
"Give me my shorts back."
"Nope. You're staying in just your diaper so it's easier to change you, baby stinkbutt."
"Markus. Now." He hoped he sounded more authoritative than he felt as he got to his feet. Markus smirked and waved his shorts over his head before breaking into a fullbore run. Bobby gave chase, wondering if he should have gone to Rob in the same moment as he figured that Rob would notice him running around the yard in just underwear. He hoped Markus would turn so he could check on Rob and Grace, but Markus was running as fast as he could in a straight line, straight for the mud!
Markus skidded to a stop, but it was too late. Bobby collided with him and they both fell, Markus landing in the mud and Bobby on top of him.
"Markus! Bobby!" Grace and Rob raced over to see two boy-shaped mud monsters wrestling.
"Bobby!" Bobby let go of Markus's hair and rolled over to look up at Grace and Rob.
"I'll get the hose." Grace said.
"I don't want to hear a word from either of you." Rob said firmly. "Out of the mud and march up to the hose. We'll rinse you off there and then it'll be into the tub."
"But" Rob couldn't even be certain whether that came from Bobby or Markus.
"No more talking."
Markus and Bobby didn't say anything, but they howled as the ice cold water of the hose washed over them.
"Markus, strip to your undies like Bobby." Rob directed as Grace went inside to start the bath.
"Diaper." Markus mumbled so only Bobby could hear as he stripped to racecar boxer briefs.
"Alright, boys." Rob said, finally setting the hose aside. "Inside and you're both into the tub."
"Who's first?" Bobby asked.
"No talking." Rob said before answering. "The tub is big enough for two little boys."
"Thank you." Grace said, kissing Rob's cheek as he shepherded the pair into the bathroom.
"Someone had to take charge."
"This isn't fair." Bobby mumbled. He was the same age as Grace and Rob, but they were acting like adults while was a little boy in trouble. The door clicked shut behind Rob.
"Markus, go ahead and get in the tub. Bobby, come here so I can help you with your undies." He patted Bobby's shoulder. "I know you don't need help with your undies, but remember, it's not safe to climb over the side of the tub, is it?" Bobby shook his head. Rob pulled down his undies and then lifted him up to carry him over to the tub, giving Markus a full view of a naked Bobby coming into the warm, sudsy water across from him. "Can you give me that other washcloth, Markus, so I can get Bobby clean?"
Bobby tried to ignore Markus, but it was obvious he was only partly focused on washing himself and much more concerned with watching Rob thoroughly scrub Bobby, even having him stand up to wash between his legs.
"Grace filled this a bit more than we're used to, huh?" Rob murmured to Bobby. Bobby closed his eyes, trying to will this all to be over. He wanted to be back home, back in his own room, even if it meant wearing a diaper and a girly nightie and being read a baby book.Why was that his idea of safe and sound now though? Rob had completely changed everything. He was the same age as Rob and Grace, but now he was being bathed with Grace's horrible little brother who thought he was bigger than Bobby and it was... it was...
"Bwaaaaa!" Bobby bawled, starting to sob and hyperventilate as everything became too much all at once. Markus splashed, startled, and even Rob seemed taken aback.
"Oh, Bobby." He said, prudently draping a towel over his shoulder before pulling the sobbing boy to his chest. "It's been a busy day, hasn't it?"
"That's- that's not it." Bobby panted, unable to even to see Rob clearly through eyes full of tears. He tried to take a deep breath, to calm down and explain, but he only felt overwhelmed again and began to sob all the harder.
"Ok, ok." Rob said, getting to his feet and carrying Bobby out of the bathroom. "You're clean, so why don't we" he stopped talking, letting Bobby cry it all out as he retrieved his bag.
"Hey, Grace. Is there a place I can put Bobby for an N-A-P?"
"Bwaaaa!" Bobby wailed. Why did Rob think spelling it would do anything? "I! Am! Not!" he tried to say between sobs strong enough to make even his legs tremble. "Notta! Baby!"
"I know, I know." Rob murmured, carrying Bobby down a hall. "Here, let's get you dry and in your diaper so Grace doesn't have to see your bare little bumbum again, hmm?"
"I wanna go home, Rob." Bobby mumbled, finally feeling like he was calming down. Rob looked at him curiously.
"Say that again."
"I wanna go home, Rob."
"Huh."
"What?"
"Step into your diaper, Bobby." Bobby nearly lost it again when Markus picked the exact moment Rob pulled it up to wake in wearing a blue camo robe that almost matched his shorts from earlier.
"What are you doing in here?" Bobby looked around and realized they were in a bedroom that could only be Markus's.
"Bobby's gonna use your room for a nap, okay?" Markus looked at Bobby's blue and white Pull-ups.
"That's fine." He said, smiling at Bobby. "Glad you're out of that stinky diaper." He went over to his dresser and grabbed some clothes before leaving again.
"Was that a game you two were playing?"
"No! He's being mean."
"He's just got an active imagination." Bobby huffed. Of course Rob didn't believe him. "And someone's overtired. Arms up for your nightie."
"I don't want a nightie."
"You can't sleep in just your diaper, Bobby. And see? It has stars and planets. You wanted to be an astronaut when we were in kindergarten."
"That was so long ago." Bobby said. "And I thought I was four." Rob seemed to pause as if there was something he wanted to say, but he instead threaded Bobby's arms and head through the nightgown. The slightly frilled sleeves made him smile.
"All set to dream of space!" He said, lifting Bobby up and carrying him over to Markus's bed. "Now I know it's hard to sleep in an unfamiliar place, but I want you to close your eyes and breathe nice and slow, like a big Bobbysaurus!"
There is no way I can fall asleep. Bobby thought, but he still tried to take slow, deep breaths. Rob began to gently rub his back. He began to feel sleep coming just as surely as he could feel the puffy Pull-ups between his legs and against his bottom. He yawned and tried to open his eyes, but it was already too late.
Click. Click. What was that clicking sound and who had turned on that fan that was blowing against him? Bobby opened his eyes to investigate, snapping awake as he watched the sidewalk whiz by between his bare feet. This was too real to be a dream, but what was going on?
Bobby looked around, getting his bearings. He was in a stroller, click-clacking down the sidewalk. Worse, he was still wearing the space nightie.
"Rob? Rob!" He said, slamming a fist against the canopy overhead for good measure.
"I almost got you home." Rob said with a laugh, pulling back the canopy and playfully patting the top of Bobby's head.
"Grace's family had the old stroller out because of Karsen and turns out, it's just as handy to transport a napping little three year old home."
"But... I... you could've woken me up! I'm in my diaper and nightie!"
"Uh-huh, and that means you can play all the way up until bedtime now, right?"
"But"
"No point arguing, Bobby." Rob said as they reached Bobby's house. "Let's get you unbuckled. Is your diaper still dry?" Rob lifted Bobby's nightie and patted the front of his Pull-ups. "Guess our first stop is the potty, huh?"
"I'm not three."
"What?" Rob lifted Bobby up to his shoulder.
"You called me a napping three year old."
"You're such a good listener, Bobby." Rob said, carrying him inside. "But the thing is,"
"What?"
"You are three, bud."
"I'm not three!" Rob chuckled.
"Bobby, be reasonable."
"No, you be reasonable, Rob!" He blushed.
"You've been lisping all day, Bobby." Rob said gently.
"But that doesn't make me..." he had to focus to get 'three' out instead of 'fwee'.
"You're right. All the Wobs and fwees are adorable." Bobby fumed. "But when you look at Markus, who's"
"Five."
"Exactly. He's five and he's so big, so mature."
"Well, he is almost six."
"He is." Rob agreed with a chuckle. "But still, you're hardly only a year or so behind him."
"I'm older than him!"
"Bobby, you were listening so good a minute ago. Listen and I'll help you understand."
"I don't want to understand." Rob chuckled.
"My little threenager." He sat down on the couch and hugged Bobby to him. "Markus came in and got his clothes. He tried his best to keep you clean, he showed concern about you. He's becoming such a nice young man."
"He's a bully!"
"Bobby." He swatted his bottom. "You make a mess when you try to feed yourself, you need help getting dressed, taking a bath, you still need naps."
"You make me! You make me do all of that!"
"I do those things because you need them. Because you're three."
"I'm not! You can't do this!" Bobby wailed. Rob hugged him and let him cry.
"I'm not doing anything. We're figuring out what's best for you. You got so stressed out being a big boy and I think we finally understand why. You're not big, you're a little boy. You're three years old."
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